The Emotional Journey of An Actor

Every time I go out to Act, there is an inherent dilemma of where to start from.
Remembering lines, working on the physicality of the character, working on my diction, creating a backstory..
What exactly is the most crucial aspect that an Actor needs to focus on, to do proper justice to the script?
Though there is no definite answer to this question, one element which I keep witnessing from time to time is..
If the audience feels what the Actor wants them to feel, the job is done.
And I believe, that’s where the Emotional Journey of an Actor comes into Play.
From being honest every moment, to thinking like a character, to projecting the emotions, it is an entire process in itself, which an Actor needs to learn.
I won’t say more on this, because, like Richard Nathan said in his script – The Bad Day, “I’m just a student.” 🙂

2.jpgPhotograph taken at the Level 2 Classes of the 50th Batch of Misf!t – Ratan Thakore Grant’s Studio for Acting

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The Fight

I do not remember when the first fight had happened. It’s been an eternity since I had experienced it. It went on for weeks, none of them willing to quit. One hit there, another hit there. Pretty violent I must say. These are not the fights which cause physical injury, rather they screw up your mind. There are no visible signs, rather deep rooted effects.
The fights between me, and my fears, my insecurities, and my ego.

Let me give it a name, and call all these three combined, foe. What better name, to describe them together. 🙂
Foe has been with me since a long long time. I do not know where it came from, how it got nurtured, but I have felt its presence all through. And it does not stop growing. A new insecurity adds to a stronger foe. And so on.

I have never been able to link the sequence of events that created foe, but I know that these three are connected. Whenever something went wrong, or an insecurity stemmed up, I rushed to hide inside my ego. And why not, I felt secure hiding inside it.
Oh!, it felt so comfortable. It assured me that whatever I thought was right, it gave me a confidence like never before. If things didn’t go right, ignore them, never confront them. I am right, that’s what matters. I feel good, why do I need to think anything beyond it.

If another new insecurity stemmed up, go deeper into your ego. Oh!, its so accommodating. I could keep exploring it and stay here for ever. But these insecurities never kept diminishing, rather kept manifesting themselves in newer forms.

I need to impress someone
I hate that person I love
Hey! I am the one’s who’s right
I feel jealous of that person, no wait, that’s not true, the truth is that he is super-smart, I wish I could be like him
I am an idiot, again that’s not true, but I really behaved like one, when I will stop being one?
What do they think of me?
I am not good enough. What value do I provide to get appreciated?
I am the cause of all the misery in my life.

And every time one of these insecurities, and many more, came up, I would rush inside my ego. And ego had a way of supporting my thoughts. Ego was my true friend. Only a true friend supports everything that you think , ain’t it?

But then one day, a conflict arose. A part of me said I was right, a part of me said I was wrong. The ego said, what you did was perfect. The unknown part said, I was wrong.
And the roles switched in another scenario. The unknown part said I was good, the ego said I was not good enough.
But who was wrong? What was this unknown part? Lot’s of introspection and I realized the unknown part was me. It was my voice.
Was I wrong? Or was ego wrong?
No ways, how could it be.. I have lived all my life in ego, it’s a sin to consider it wrong. But I believe that I am right. One of them has to be wrong.

And then started the fight. Introspection, feedback, situations, belief, achievements, and what not. Every time I would draw an a new artillery, ego would pull back something stronger. And it went for days and weeks. I refused to give up, so did my ego. We fought and fought, and finally, I won. But at what cost. I had lost those weeks struggling, fighting with something so unimportant. But it had to be done, and it was done. I was happy that I had defeated my ego and I thought I had eradicated it completely.

Few months later, a new insecurity stemmed up. And I was shocked. Why? How?
And ego again looked appealing to me, inviting me to come and hide. I rushed there, but I sensed the conflict. I fought again.

And this has been happening for how long, I do not remember.
New insecurities, new fears, a stronger ego, then a fight, lost time which could have been so productive, and lost peace, which can never be regained. I wish there were no insecurities, or no ego, but that’s the way of life. Ego, or the false image that gets created, sometimes takes a lifetime to eradicate. And maybe, that’s the source of all insecurities.
Confidence without arrogance, humility without insecurity – This is what I plan to achieve.
Maybe I am there somewhere on the path, but the end is not to be seen. Maybe a moment will come, when the realization will strike, that yes, I have reached there. Till then, I will keep fighting. I am a born fighter, I have been fighting all my life. No matter what insecurity or ego comes across, I will fight. For as long as can happen, I will fight. Till I reach there, I will fight.

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Is it worth it?

Sometimes I wonder as to what do I actually want..What is it that I truly want to do..
I have tried, tested different things, experimented a lot..And then I had zeroed in on Acting 4 years back when I started..
But in the domain of Plays itself, a lot of hard work goes into putting up a Play, that makes you wonder – Is it worth it?

At times it’s maddening..
Getting the right furniture to suit the theme is not fun..Painting them, never..
Even a small thing like putting up a curtain is like hell, because if the gathers are not right, it looks really shabby under the lights..And pinning the curtains, don’t even ask..
Putting up posters all across is tiring..
Co-ordinating with people, making sure tickets are moving..Promoting your own Play considering that the Audience turn-outs are usually less than 0.5% of the outreach..Uff!!
And I haven’t even talked about Light, Sound and Audience management..Huh!!

Is it worth it?..And knowing very well that the only way you can give meaning to the efforts of all those people who have helped, is by performing well, by putting up a good show.

What do I really need as an Actor? What is my driving force? Is it stardom, pics and videos on facebook and youtube, newspaper articles, loads of attention, performance at top-shot venues and festivals?

I realized, the answer is No. I just need an Audience to watch me, and to become a Character to the best of my ability. I just want to perform. That’s what I truly want.

And maybe in those few moments of my happiness, I will find the worth of all of it..

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Can “I” Play God

It happened again. The situation that I try to avoid every time, happened again. Yet again, in-spite of my efforts, my life came to a standstill.
Pending bill payments, pending document submissions and claims, out of contact with friends, house owner looking frantically for me to pay the rent, forgetting to make calls back home, and on and on. And the list does not seem to end. In a nutshell, my life came to a standstill yet again. Not because I was unwell or busy at office or out of town, but because I was doing what I love doing most – Working towards putting up a Play. And it always happens whenever I do a Play.
You may ask, Why? Are you the Director of the Play? Or is it that you have Directed all the Plays you have performed in? How can only your life become suddenly so focused towards that one thing? It’s the Director who is supposed to have the sleepless nights, and no one else, right?

My answer would be a stark – No.
And this post would basically be centered around my experiences of working in the play – Can “I” Play God. Not from an Actor’s perspective, but simply from the perspective of a member of the team of Can “I” Play God. And I will try to justify the fact that no matter whether you are the Director, or an Actor, or helping with the Lights or Art or anything, it’s the “Collective effort of All and the Standstill like situation, is what Moves and Makes a Play”.

To begin with, Can “I” Pay God is an Original piece of Art. Which means it needed to be Original, not only in Story, Script, and Direction, but also in Set Design, Light Design and it’s entire representation.
Ya you can turn around and say – Why put in so much effort to produce something Original?
I would say – I get a high in being involved in the creation of something, which no one else has done. And it’s not something that I can make you understand, it’s something that I feel, believe in, and cherish.

So when Ratan Sir explained to us the idea of the Set Design, the first question that came to my mind was – How?
And what followed in the next one month was basically an answer to that.
The Set was to be made like a painting. I wouldn’t give much details here about the purpose of doing that. For that, you need to come and watch the play. 🙂
Jokes apart, that itself was too much for me to imagine. A painting, with colorful Chairs and Tables, a piece of Architecture symbolizing Justice, Frames, and a unique Light Design to create a desired effect. So far so good, but How?

And the first step was to acquire the tables and chairs, because we cannot rent it out since we were planning to paint it. Which also meant buying good looking furniture, which can fit the budget and can be painted. Lucky enough we managed to get some good old stuff in a few days time. And then the Art team led by Dipti Dinesh took over. And in no time the vision of Ratan Sir started turning to reality. With colors of blue, and yellow, and green and red splashed across the tables and chairs, it looked very classy. A painting in the making. And as the day of the show started coming closer, the Crew swung into full action.

Be it Getting new Curtains stitched to suit the background, Fixing it across the Stage, Pinning it with proper gathers, Putting up the Flexes to cover the white walls, Putting up the Curtains to cover the section behind the Audience, Painting a life size tree to create a certain effect, Multiple color and gloss coating on tables and chairs, Coloring of frames, Specific lights to create an ambiance for Audience Seating.
Huh!! In short, every details was taken care of, of course with a purpose.
And like what my senior Namrta Dhar says – “It was a mad rush”.
A rush, by the end of which what resulted was something extremely beautiful. The Set looked like a painting being displayed in an Auditorium.

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Then the next challenging thing was to implement the Light Design. Which meant getting extra canisters, apart from the existing ones, fixing them, adjusting them, with different combinations of angles and filters.
And once the Design was implemented, the effect was simply mind-blowing. Truly beautiful.

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Actors turning into Backstage Crew to put up things, on the day of the show, has been heard many a times, but Actors turning into Painters and Electricians, and working for weeks, was something that I had never witnessed before.
Every single aspect was implemented from scratch, and the end product was indeed visually extremely beautiful.

If that was not sufficient, the crew handled the ticketing, posters, publicity, generators, mats, cleaning, Audience and every single thing that was required for putting up this Play.
Be it the Artwork by Dipti Dinesh, Lights by Namrta Dhar & Vishal Nair(Vishal actually came down from Mumbai to help with this Play), Music by Vishal Nair & Ankit Bhardwaj, Vocals by Akshay Datta, Stage Management by Aravind Iyer, Kavita Vishwanathan, Ankit Bhardwaj & Krishnan Suresh, Front Office by Kavita Vishwanathan, Aravind Iyer & Rakhi Bose, Frames by Lakshman Lakshminarayana, Videography by Belliraj, Photography by Krishnan Suresh & Aravind Iyer, BackStage Crew – Archana Shetty, Devanand Mahakud, Soumya Nayak, Chethan G Satheesh, Munna Ramesh, Richa Mishra and all the above,
the entire production was handled by “Actors”, students of Misf!t across batches, the same Actors who have performed in that studio at some point of time or the other.
Thanks to Sachin Rao, from Outlaw Dance Company, for the Studio Space.
Thanks to the Director of the Play – Venkatesan Vaidyanathan and thanks to the Director of Misf!tRatan Thakore Grant, for giving all of us a chance to be a part of something very beautiful and unique.

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I will wait for my life to go into another Standstill. Till then, memories to be cherished. And Gratitude to all.

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Just Let Them..

Just Let Them… is the title of the latest production from Misf!t. It’s a play belonging to the genre of seriocomedy. When I heard the title for the first time, the first thought that came to my mind was – An emotion that I had felt long ago, which I am missing right now and would like to feel it again. And when I saw the rehearsals, I was pretty amazed. With the plot, the performances, the energy. Wow!! All in all, a play I am waiting eagerly for, to be staged. I wrote a small poem after watching the rehearsals. Penning it down below:

I don’t know what to say..

You made me laugh..
You made me cry.


You made me feel..
That there’s another sky.

Art thou so helpless?
That you can’t mend.


A ray of hope..
Is what I see in the end.


All I can say is..
Just Let Them…

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PHASES

The initial design for our in-course presentation – ‘PHASES’
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Semi-Fiction

Prologue –
Me, a frustrated employee of an IT company, who believes work sucks, drinks alternate weekends, curses every minute and is not happy with anything in life.
20000 employees in the campus where I work, out of which around 35% are women. And out of this 7000 odd, some 5000 are in my age group. So there is a fair probability that I might have seen some 4000 of them at least once.
I travel by the BMTC bus, back and forth between Madivala and Electronic City, the location of my workplace.
I didn’t believe in love at first sight until 1 Mar 2009, 8pm, when as usual, while returning from work, I got into a bus.

I saw her for the first time in a local bus. I don’t know what happened but for the first time I felt like the world had suddenly become mute. Yes, she was the girl for whom I had been waiting. Not that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. But there was something that held me still. A strange calm on her face, a sense of confidence or was it her beauty, I didn’t know. But for sure, I was in love. My first love!!
It was like a dream until my mute world came crashing down with the bus conductor’s harsh voice. I wanted to slap him for this, but his fiery eyes and hefty body made me change my decision. I paid the charge and looked ahead. She sat on one of those seats reserved for women and there was one vacant seat beside her. I walked ahead but couldn’t sit on it thinking that it would make it impossible for me to look at her if I sat. While she gazed out through the window, small strands of her hair befriended with the blowing wind played all across her face. I realized she was fair as there was a complexion difference between her hair and her skin. There was a dazzle in her eyes, that of a child seeing the world for the first time and everything seeming to be new. Occasionally she would close her eyes and enjoy the lovely wind. And then she would pull the strands back with her index finger. She wore a nice earring, neither too big, nor too small, just the way I liked. And no rings in her fingers meant probably she was single. She was dressed in a black salwar kameez with white patterns and carried a small handbag.
“Oh God!! What is happening to me. The emotionally strong guy that I am is enjoying the sight of a girls hair blowing in the wind. There is a vacant seat and I have been standing all through. 8kms and I haven’t taken my eyes off her. And I have a client call in another 20 mins. I should be thinking about the issues to be discussed and I am enjoying seeing a girl I didn’t know”, I started cursing myself but then stopped when she stood up. The next stop is where I had to get down, is she going to get down there? Forgetting all the clients and all the bladdy phone calls, I crossed my fingers.
Yes. She got down at the stop and so did I. And I started following her. A faint perfume trailed on the path she walked on. And I made a silent prayer.
“God, please do something so that I could talk to her. Make her trip on a stone and fall, but do not hurt her. Do something.”
And then there are these moments when you turn from a fanatic to a complete believer. Something slipped from her handbag and she didn’t realize it. As I moved ahead, I realized it was her I-Card.
Shalini Gupta. Working in the same company as I.
“God!! I always knew you were there. I can feel you. Thanks a lot. But how come I had never seen her even once.” Ignoring the thoughts, I started moving towards her. As I increased my pace, my heart started thumping furiously. I felt like someone was hitting with a hammer from the inside of my heart. I felt nervous and her perfume further increased my nervousness.
I said: “Excuse me”
She turned around and looked at me. She did not have an irritated or indifferent look on her face, like other girls. Instead there was a smile which made me even more nervous.
Shalini: “Yes”
Me: “You dropped your I-Card”
I stretched my hand to give it to her.
Shalini: “Oh. Thanks”
Me: “So, you also work with WCS”
Shalini: “Yes. But did you say also? Do you work with WCS?”
Me: “Yes. EC office”
Shalini: “What a coincidence. Me too”
And then started the conversations hovering around projects and accounts and managers. And just when I thought I was getting comfortable talking to her, I got the dreaded client call.
Huh!! Cursing the clients I took an excuse and we parted.

For the first time after college, I didn’t feel like sleeping that night. All I could think was she. Her face, strands of hair, the perfume, her voice..Ahh!! I was surely in love. I put on my ear-phones, and started listening to a couple of romantic English numbers. And my emotions multiplied with each song. My engineering brain responded back with an equation: Emotions are directly proportional to the number of English romantic songs heard. I don’t know what time I slept. But when I woke up, I felt terribly exhausted. I rushed to my office and gathered as much information about her as I could from the intranet. I could have written an essay on her if you had asked me to. And that day, I didn’t go out for lunch with my friends. Instead I waited near her workspace building to catch a glimpse of her, but in vain. Maybe she had skipped lunch or something. I didn’t know. I waited impatiently for the office hours to get over, with a hope of meeting her at the bus stop. I waited at the stop from 7 till 9pm. But she didn’t come. Maybe she had left at 6.
Huh!! With a heavy heart I returned to my room with the promise of being there at 6 the next day. And I did so. I reached there sharp at 6. Impatience increasing every second, I ate whatever I could lay my hands on, near the bus stop. I had roasted nuts, nariyal paani and don’t remember what else while waiting for her. Finally she came at around 8 and I walked towards her.
Me: “Hi”
Shalini: “Oh hi. How are you”
Me: “Ya am fine. How are you doing”
Conversations started and we got into a bus. My guess was partially correct. The previous day she had skipped lunch but had returned by the 10pm cab. And she stayed in a PG near my room. Gradually the talks shifted from projects to movies and other interests and I thanked God every time our likes matched. She liked SRK as did I. Kajol was our favourite. She hated staying late at office. And she liked new songs as she felt old ones hurt her reminding her of old memories. Unbelievable. It was like as if she was telling me what I wanted to say to her. For sure, she was the girl. As I bid her goodbye near the PG, for the first time in my life, I asked a girl her phone number. And she gave it to me without hesitation. I told her a partial lie though. I said that it was boring traveling alone to office. So it would be great if I got company. But the reality was that I wanted to be there with her every minute every second.
The next morning I called her up and we met at the bus stop. And our trips to office and back to our rooms began. I started lying to my friends and going out for lunch with her. I was there with her for breakfast, lunch, snacks except the dinner which was cooked in my room while she had it in her PG. Shalini was into a support project where-in someone had to be present at all times for monitoring purposes. So she never got company for lunch. And she had joined the company two weeks back so she didn’t have any friends. Basically she was a loner like me. And within a week we became very good friends and came to know a lot about each other.

Shalini was an orphan and was brought up in an orphanage in Jabalpur. I didn’t how to react when I heard this. The immature guy that I was, I became happy for a second that there won’t be any problems from family side if I were to marry her, as happens in most of the cases. The next minute I realized what all she had missed in her life and I cursed myself. I wanted to give her a hug. Instead I held her hands and comforted her. She had studied all her life with the help of scholarships that she got. Every month she sent one-fourth of her salary to the orphanage. This generated a lot of respect in me for her. And I did something very funny. We were in a bus when she told me about this. I stood up and saluted her. Amidst the confused faces of fellow passengers, I could see her embarrassment. She asked me to sit quietly which I did without any hesitation. How could I refuse her?

Days passed by while our trips continued. The floodgates of the emotions which I had locked in my heart long back were slowly getting opened. From the frustrated foul-mouthed loner that was me, I was getting transformed into a mature, satisfied and a happy human being. There were a couple of incidents that changed me a lot.
Shalini wanted to visit my room and one day I let her do that. Being a bachelor and a frustrated one, I lacked the conscience of neatness. I used to wash my clothes regularly but my room was in a complete mess.
She asked me : “Would you be happy if tomorrow your child had to live in such a mess? How would your parents feel if they saw this place?” And I had no answer.
Quietly and shamelessly I attempted helping her as she took lead and transformed my room into something unimaginable, at-least according to my standards. And I promised her that I would always keep it the same. If someone else had told me this, I would have cursed the person. But it was Shalini. I don’t know what she said was good or not, but I didn’t want to go against her. Later in the evening my roommates were amazed with the whole thing. One of them ended up asking me: “Are you okay? What has happened to you?” I wish I could tell him that I was in love and it was not me who had transformed our room.

Two months had passed since I had met her and we used to meet every day. On weekends we used to go out to old-age homes, orphanages or go out to parks and talk. If I was out of town, we would talk on phone. We were in touch everyday. Occasionally we used to have golgappas which she loved a lot.
It had been two months since I had been in love and I hadn’t expressed it yet. I feared that she might react differently. But this whole thing had started becoming a burden for me. And I decided that I had to express it to her. I took her to Lalbagh. The height of the hillock and the winds created the perfect ambiance. And after sunset, when people started disappearing, I told her everything that I felt. Once I had said everything, she stood up and walked two steps ahead. And I got really scared.
“Did I hurt her? Will she never talk to me? Oh shit!! What have I done.”
With all these thoughts, I stepped towards her and was shocked to see tears in her eyes. I almost had an attack of depression. But what happened next saved me from fixing an appointment with a psychiatrist. She came towards me with a smile on her face and gave me a hug. All the tensions and worries were soothed in a second. Her eyes and her tears had spoken everything. And I remember, it was the night that I had slept the happiest.

There is another incident which happened a month after I had expressed my feelings to her. One of my friends was getting married and we had a bachelor’s party planned out. I had not told Shalini about this as I didn’t want her to know about my drinking habits and wild partying. When I was on a high, as usual she called me on my cellphone. I disconnected her call. It happened a second time. The third time I switched off my cellphone as I was too high to realize what I was doing. I had a rocking time at the party. The next morning I woke up pretty late and I realized something that I should have done.
Gosh!! I had not called up Shalini. I immediately dialed her number. She replied she was in office and disconnected the call. From her tone, I could sense that something was wrong. So as soon as I reached office, I went to her workplace and called her up again. I said I wanted to talk to her and she told me to wait in the adjoining conference room. I did as she said and waited. And when she came, what I saw hurt me a lot. She had swollen eyes and a heavy voice. I realized she had been sobbing the previous night while I was on a high and enjoying myself. And this sense of realization made a small tear emerge out of my left eye. I don’t know what she did was right or what I did was wrong, I knew only one thing. I had done something that I would never do consciously – hurt her. And that party was the last time I drank. Alcohol reminded me of the guilt of hurting Shalini and I could never drink again.

Slowly and slowly I was getting transformed from the animal I was to the person every parent want their child to be. I quit smoking, drinking, started becoming neater, wearing ironed clothes, clean shoes, talking politely to everyone, helping others. Huh!! I had started living. And I had made strange promises to her, like never to get depressed whatsoever, never cry, always be happy, keep helping others and on and on. And I dared not break a promise. During this phase of my life, I had become alienated from my friends but I was happy. I told them the truth that I was in love and they were happier for me. I stopped cursing. Everything had started looking so beautiful in this world. My concentration had suddenly increased at my workplace and my manager could not have been happier. I don’t know what was happening but for sure I was happy. And so was Shalini. And the people around me. In a small happy world.
Though I still had a couple of years to get married, one day I proposed to her. She had a small laugh and told me to focus on my career.
She said: “Your career has just started. Focus on that now. Anyways I am there with you”
I felt stupid for asking such a question but I had become habituated to expressing myself. I could no longer hide a thing from her. Even if it was not of much importance, I made it a point to tell her everything. Maybe there was a trust between us of not hiding anything. Six months had passed since I had met her. And then one day my happy world came crashing down.

One morning I called up Shalini but her phone was switched off. I tried calling her up the whole day but she didn’t pick up. I was feeling tensed but since I had promised her, I tried to stay calm. In the evening I went to her workplace, and waited patiently. After around an hour, one of her team-mates whom I knew, came out. I asked her about Shalini and then what I heard shocked me like hell.
The previous day was Shalini’s last working day. She had quit the job two months ago. And she never told me about it. I mean how could she. I got completely pissed off, shocked and angry, but as I had promised her, I calmed down and rushed to her PG. She had vacated the room this morning. To where, no one knew. She had left me a message: “Keep your promises. Bye.”
I was really getting mad. Where could she have gone to? Jabalpur? But I didn’t have any contact number. Or was there no orphanage at all? Did she lie to me? Did she go back to her native place, to her parents? I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything.
For the first time in my life I felt helpless. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I wanted to curse but couldn’t. I was hurt by the same girl who had taught me how to live. All the promises that I had made to her prevented me from doing anything to vent out. There was nothing I could do to find her. Nevertheless I started. I tried to inquire about all outgoing flights, trains and bus details for passenger information but in vain. What complaint could I lodge for someone whose history was unknown to me and to whom I was not officially related. For someone who had quit her job and gone somewhere without informing me. I didn’t know where she was, in what condition she was, if she was…God forbid. I had promised her that I won’t let negative thoughts cross my mind come what may. I stayed calm and still.
Why did she do like that? Did she want to run away from me? What was it that made her do this? I shared all my thoughts with her and she hid such a big thing from me, and that too for the last two months. I wished I had died instead of seeing this day, but I had promised her that I would never hurt myself. A week went by and I became lifeless. I smiled at people because I had promised Shalini, I pretended to be happy because I had promised her. My friends came to know about this whole thing but none could help me. There was nothing they could do. On their initiative, we went to a temple one evening. There was some havana going on and the sanctum sanctorum had become full of fumes. And in those fumes I couldn’t control myself and I broke down. What my friends thought was caused due to the irritation of the fumes was actually because I was crying. I believed that even if Shalini saw me she wouldn’t know that I was crying. Or maybe she could feel. I don’t know. But definitely I needed a vent to those emotions which were choking me. And that was the last time I cried.

It’s been almost a year now since I saw her for the first time. With our anniversary on the 1st of March, I miss her. And I miss all the love and affection she used to shower upon me. I don’t know where she went and why she left me. Maybe she was an angel who had come to my life to teach me how to live. The space that she had created in my heart will always remain vacant. She had taught me a way to live and I promise to follow that. And the promises I made her are the ones that have helped me resist her absence. I wish I had made her promise a couple of things, at least a promise to be there with me forever. I wish.
But life goes on. I promise to live a healthy, responsible and a happy life and I promise to love you till my last breath. My angel, Shalini – I love you.

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