I do not remember when the first fight had happened. It’s been an eternity since I had experienced it. It went on for weeks, none of them willing to quit. One hit there, another hit there. Pretty violent I must say. These are not the fights which cause physical injury, rather they screw up your mind. There are no visible signs, rather deep rooted effects.
The fights between me, and my fears, my insecurities, and my ego.
Let me give it a name, and call all these three combined, foe. What better name, to describe them together. 🙂
Foe has been with me since a long long time. I do not know where it came from, how it got nurtured, but I have felt its presence all through. And it does not stop growing. A new insecurity adds to a stronger foe. And so on.
I have never been able to link the sequence of events that created foe, but I know that these three are connected. Whenever something went wrong, or an insecurity stemmed up, I rushed to hide inside my ego. And why not, I felt secure hiding inside it.
Oh!, it felt so comfortable. It assured me that whatever I thought was right, it gave me a confidence like never before. If things didn’t go right, ignore them, never confront them. I am right, that’s what matters. I feel good, why do I need to think anything beyond it.
If another new insecurity stemmed up, go deeper into your ego. Oh!, its so accommodating. I could keep exploring it and stay here for ever. But these insecurities never kept diminishing, rather kept manifesting themselves in newer forms.
I need to impress someone
I hate that person I love
Hey! I am the one’s who’s right
I feel jealous of that person, no wait, that’s not true, the truth is that he is super-smart, I wish I could be like him
I am an idiot, again that’s not true, but I really behaved like one, when I will stop being one?
What do they think of me?
I am not good enough. What value do I provide to get appreciated?
I am the cause of all the misery in my life.
And every time one of these insecurities, and many more, came up, I would rush inside my ego. And ego had a way of supporting my thoughts. Ego was my true friend. Only a true friend supports everything that you think , ain’t it?
But then one day, a conflict arose. A part of me said I was right, a part of me said I was wrong. The ego said, what you did was perfect. The unknown part said, I was wrong.
And the roles switched in another scenario. The unknown part said I was good, the ego said I was not good enough.
But who was wrong? What was this unknown part? Lot’s of introspection and I realized the unknown part was me. It was my voice.
Was I wrong? Or was ego wrong?
No ways, how could it be.. I have lived all my life in ego, it’s a sin to consider it wrong. But I believe that I am right. One of them has to be wrong.
And then started the fight. Introspection, feedback, situations, belief, achievements, and what not. Every time I would draw an a new artillery, ego would pull back something stronger. And it went for days and weeks. I refused to give up, so did my ego. We fought and fought, and finally, I won. But at what cost. I had lost those weeks struggling, fighting with something so unimportant. But it had to be done, and it was done. I was happy that I had defeated my ego and I thought I had eradicated it completely.
Few months later, a new insecurity stemmed up. And I was shocked. Why? How?
And ego again looked appealing to me, inviting me to come and hide. I rushed there, but I sensed the conflict. I fought again.
And this has been happening for how long, I do not remember.
New insecurities, new fears, a stronger ego, then a fight, lost time which could have been so productive, and lost peace, which can never be regained. I wish there were no insecurities, or no ego, but that’s the way of life. Ego, or the false image that gets created, sometimes takes a lifetime to eradicate. And maybe, that’s the source of all insecurities.
Confidence without arrogance, humility without insecurity – This is what I plan to achieve.
Maybe I am there somewhere on the path, but the end is not to be seen. Maybe a moment will come, when the realization will strike, that yes, I have reached there. Till then, I will keep fighting. I am a born fighter, I have been fighting all my life. No matter what insecurity or ego comes across, I will fight. For as long as can happen, I will fight. Till I reach there, I will fight.